Interminable
Also known as I Am
Sartana, Trade Your Guns for a Coffin, or Sartana's Coming, Get Your
Coffins Ready or Sartana's Here... Trade Your Pistol for a Coffin, depending
on when and where you have the misfortune to see it. The IMDb database lists no
fewer than 13 other titles. Some of these Italian westerns are difficult even
to sit through to the end in order to write a review. You just long for
oblivion.
Whatever
This one stars George
Hilton, a Uruguayan, and Charles Southwood, a Californian. They are the usual
superhuman gunmen who have no difficulty whatever shooting down any number of
opponents. They go to a town named Appaloosa (no relation, I do assure you) and
it’s something to do with gold. There are a lot of people called Baxter and
Spencer and so on. It is not clear who they are, what they are doing there or
why they are shot, as they inevitably are. Doubtless there is a plot. There
must have been a plot. A person called Tito Carpi wrote the screenplay and he
surely had a plot in his mind?
It’s interminable (93
minutes). It was directed by Giuliano Carmineo, aka Anthony Ascott. He made a series
of these trash westerns about characters called Ringo, Django, Sartana and so
on, the usual spaghetti character names. Luckily I haven’t seen most of them.
This one is all talk and no
action, death to all but the subtlest psychological Westerns and as for
clunkers like this they are as exciting as sitting watching butter turn rancid.
Even the bread is Italian
It’s difficult to decide
which is worse, the dialogue or the acting. Of course even good actors have
difficulty with bad lines. Bad actors have a good deal more and when they can’t
even speak their own language but have to be dubbed in later it’s next to
impossible to make any stab at all at anything convincing or interesting. We
shouldn’t blame them too much. We should just not go and see the movies. But
above all, I implore you, do not buy the DVD.
If you are a Finn browsing
the shelves of your local DVD store, it was called Hetkesi on tullut -
Sartana on täällä. Just a friendly warning.
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